Five bands to keep spring break boredom free. Clearly, a must-read

Here's the deal, folks.

Beginning tomorrow morning, I'll be heading to Manhattan for a few nights of drunken debauchery, immediately followed Sunday morning by a week of sobering reality — in Guatemala.

I'll be spending a week volunteering in an impoverished village in Guatemala and sleeping on a floor. No phone, and definitely no computer.

I know, I know. You're wondering whatever you'll do without GRE. I promise, you will survive. Stay strong, read some old posts for comfort and try to focus on something else, like knitting or reading a book (yes, they still exist!), to take your mind off your sorrow.

For some of us will spend spring break lounging on an exotic beach, perfecting our tans while sipping on drinks mixed with any assortment of alcohol. Some of us will spend spring break in the front seat of a friend’s car, our arm hanging out the window on the way to an unknown destination. And some of us will spend spring break watching OnDemand reruns in our parents’ basement.

Others of us are real people and have jobs (shiver races down spine).

For that third group, I feel your pain. I’ve been there — sure, spending spring break at home seems fun at first, what with all the free home cooking and…well, really just the home cooking.

But by Wednesday, a year’s worth of your mom’s awesome meatloaf couldn’t keep you from yearning to return to school. Your parents started asking you to, you know, do things (Chores?! What the hell?), and you’ve watched even the most uninteresting of what OnDemand has to offer (Check out the totally un-captivating ShalomTV).

Whatever shall you do to pass the time? Homework? That’s just silly talk. Prepare a nice family dinner before your parents return from work? Only if pop’s bringing home a sixer of your favorite beer.

Luckily, unfortunate soul, I’ve got you covered.

Listed below are five bands that, unless you are a musical whiz or a big nerd like me, you’ve never heard of. And if you have, then you don’t need my help to find some new, exciting music. Check out exactly one each day, beginning Monday, and by the time you’re listening to the last band on Friday, you'll be home free.

Monday — Kiev: This Orange County, California band is a perfect early-week pick-me-up. The percussion is propulsive, sending each post-rock shaker towards a satisfying end. Think Muse with less of an alternative rock feel, or Radiohead (The Bends-style) with a bit more of a punch, and you’ve got this co-ed crew’s sound.


Tuesday — Apes and Androids: Replace ‘apes’ with ‘funk’ and you’ve got this New York band down pat. Decidedly non-Daft Punk robotic-melodies ordering everyone to “Get f****d up” shoot like lasers over minimalist electro-funk beats. Find an astronaut suit, pop this band on at a costume party you throw at your house (you know at least mom and dad will show up!) and get ready to have a ball. It’s almost Wednesday. You’re going to make it.


Wednesday — Heartless Bastards: Alright, so the middle of the week doesn’t feel quite as close to the end as you thought. Fear not, for the slow-chugging guitar blues of the Heartless Bastards will turn those sad thoughts into, well, sadder thoughts. But the good, introspective-but-not-bitter type of sad. And better yet, this Cincinatti, lady-fronted grit-machine will play Pittsburgh next month with Gaslight Anthem, so you can relive the excitement that was your spring break once again!


Thursday — Vetiver: You made it over hump day and it’s time to celebrate the nearing end of your time at home. But we’re not talking a big champagne bash with the folks — the sunshine-drenched, upbeat, acoustic folk of Devendra Banhart compatriots Vetiver will suffice perfectly. Tunes like the lovely and sublime “Everyday” will remind you that there are greener pastures back at school. Greener pastures where you can get drunk when you want to get drunk, and you can dance through the streets freely instead of being confined to your hallways where you risk breaking mom’s piece of art she bought at a community crafts fair.


Friday — Dan Deacon: You’ve made it! Through trips to the mall with mom, ‘We’re proud of you’ moments with dad and more couch time than a coma patient, you’ve made it to the end of spring break. Congratulations, and some hot beats are in order. Blast some of Dan Deacon’s strobe-ready dance party jams and watch your folks freak out. Seriously, they’re having a seizure. Deacon jams will do that to the fragile and middle aged.


Well, there you go, homeward-bound students. I guarantee that the inclusion of these one-a-day bands will make your basement dwelling significantly less of a bummer.

I’ll see you next week, after I get my wicked, tropical tan.

Let's give Tinted Windows a fair shake, shall we?

If you have access to the internet (and by reading this, I can logically conclude that you do), then you probably heard the news last week about Tinted Windows, a new band.

That's right, just a new band.

Sure, I could mention that members of said new band include James Iha (from the Smashing Pumpkins), Ben E. Carlos (from Cheap Trick), Adam Schlesinger (from Fountains of Wayne) and Taylor Hanson (from, um, Hanson), but to do so would mean that if you decide to listen to said new band, you won't hear said new band, you'll hear (or attempt to hear) Smashing Pumpkins, Cheap Trick, Fountains of Wayne and Hanson.

You see, by knowing who the members of Tinted Windows are, it is goddamn impossible to view the band as the sum of its parts. The band's parts are simply too iconic in themselves to meld into the singular entity of a band. By doing that, we are robbed of ever even having the chance to like Tinted Windows, or, hell, even love Tinted Windows. And, as Taylor Hanson would say, where's the love? If you don't forget about the Windows' past, well then damn it, it's not enough.

So, though I realize that if you've read this far, I've already ruined your chances to hear Tinted Windows as Tinted Windows (blogs are so self-defeating), do me a favor and give the track "Kind of a Girl" a try right here:


Now let's compare notes.

None of the band member's original bands were exactly known for cutting edge or heady rock'n'roll, so I didn't expect to hear any in this clip. And I sure didn't.

But that ain't so bad. The song's catchy. Really, really catchy. It's sugar-sweet pop-rock with a killer chorus, a lot like - who woulda guessed! - a harder-edged Hanson or an exactly-the-same Cheap Trick.

And though I may be crucified by the indie police for ever saying this, I. Like. It.

I wouldn't pop it on a mix of the most meaningful songs I've ever heard ("She's a kind of a girl you can't get enough of" doesn't quite capture my heart), but it'll be great for parties full of drunken kids looking for something to pogo around a basement to.

So do me a favor, try to forget that the dudes in this band are also responsible for "MMMBop," "Bullet with Butterfly Wings," "Stacey's Mom" and "I Want You to Want Me." Give it a shot. Yes, you'll be embarrassed when you like it too, but it can be our little secret.

Does make you wonder, though. What do the other, less talented and less attractive Hanson brothers think of Taylor's new digs? That's gotta be awkward at the dinner table.

Shit, the indie police are banging in my front door. Gotta go.

Finally, Scientific Proof That Nickelback is for Dolts

That's right, folks.

It's been a long time coming — years spent arguing with sad, mulletted chaps named Buck or Earl, years of feeling like I waved the flag of Nickelback-suck-dom alone in a storm of shitty music — but finally, there is scientific proof to back up my claims.

Recently, a former computer hacker named Virgil Griffith compiled a comparison of college students' SAT scores versus favorite bands to find a correlation. He did so by amassing favorite bands on the Facebook accounts of students at various colleges, as well as the average SAT score at said college (Confused? Well, that's why he goes to CalTech.) And guess what? He found one!

You can check out the full and readable chart here.

Before you scoff at the notion that you, Nickelback (or Breaking Benjamin, or The Used. Ha!) lover may actually like your music because you are, in fact, dumber than most high school graduates, let me assure you that our fine Mr. Virgil Griffith is no pimpled-basement hacker.

The dude's been written up by The New York Times and - get this! - has his own Wikipedia page. And we all know that Wikipedia is today's measure of authenticity and worth.

Nonetheless, according to Griffith's findings, there is a strong correlation between preferred bands and SAT scores, and the results are staggering.

The artist who generated fans with the lowest SAT scores was, almost amazingly, Lil Wayne. Who would've thought that Weezy's often-loopy rhyme schemes would appeal most to morons — the average SAT score of a Lil Wayne devotee was in the 870's (Scores apply to old SAT format, with 1600 max score). Shoulda laid off the herb and opened a book.

Also in the low end were T.I, Beyonce and, laughably, the entire genre of Reggaeton.

Maybe my favorite low-ender is the genre of gospel. Paired with this scientific finding, really makes you think about the mental capacity of gospel-loving religious nuts. Jesus is great, sure, but totally digging music devoted to him means you probably wouldn't get into community college. That just may explain why the guys who hand you those pamphlets on the sidewalk don't ever seem to, well, have jobs.

Jam bands had a fantastic high showing, with both Phish and the Grateful Dead placing among the favorites of students with top-third SAT scores. So scratch the pot comment above. Shoulda laid off the syrup instead?

The highest-placing contemporary artist was Sufjan Stevens (no surprise there), and far and away the highest musician overall was Beethoven, a full 100 points above Stevens.

So what does it all mean? Well, it certainly doesn't mean that by listening to Beethoven you'll get smarter. If anything, it means that people who are already smart naturally flock to certain music, and people who are already dumb naturally do the same.

It's a scary thought. Especially if you're into Nickelback. But in that case, you were damned already.

Cursive: Cleverer than Radiohead?

Of all the bands out there, Cursive are among the least likely to be in it to make a buck.

Tim Kasher is the type of performer and lyricist that, especially when you see him perform live (check below for recent video), exudes the type of desperation that screams sincerity. As in, had he not the stage as an outlet to unleash the emotional hurricane that flows through his veins everyday, he damn well might explode.

That said, Cursive's done and pulled a Radiohead with its newest album, Mama I'm Swollen.

Well, not exactly.

While Radiohead gave fans the option of paying whatever they wanted for last year's In Rainbows, Cursive are a bit trickier. Starting today, you can buy the album for near nothing - a single dollar. For each day until the album's actual release, March 10, the price will increase by a dollar — meaning it'll then cost a still reasonable 10 bucks. They're actually pressing fans to pay less by, well, being good fans and grabbing the record as soon as possible.

Not only has the band stirred up a veritable shit ton of curiosity about the new record, but now Kasher and Company have gone and successfully created a buzz that'll push possible buyers to pick up the record as soon as possible. God forbid you download it tomorrow and pay two dollars. The ploy is a bit silly, sure, but it got me.

I made sure to download Swollen well before midnight. And having listened to it through no less than three times so far, I suggest you do the same.

This record is vintage Cursive: thrashy, screaming, intense and hard to swallow. Exactly as it should be.

If you're still not sold, check out "From the Hips," one of the records shiniest gems:

Ben Kweller's "On My Way"

I do love Pittsburgh, but sometimes, damn it, I hate the tools that give it a bad name.

Ben Kweller's Diesel show last night was filled with gorgeous country-pop ditties about how much he loves his wife Lizzy, lots of flannel and, unfortunately, lots of cat calls for Kweller to take off said flannel.

Maybe the most baffling comment of the night was, "Ben! You are a rock god! You and Ben Lee! And Youth Group!"

The above drunken asshat was likely naming all three musical acts that he knows, oddly enough including Australian Death Cab for Cutie copy Youth Group.

Kweller handled the heckling like a true Southern gent, but it was obvious that the Pittsburgh hospitality was grating on him.

Nonetheless, the show was stellar and everyone left feeling like they'd just sat around a campfire in July. Perfect.

Check out "On My Way," one of Kweller's most adorable songs. And I mean that sincerely. Dude's music just makes you want to cuddle.

Ben Kweller "On My Way," Club Diesel in Pittsburgh, 2/28/09 from Justin Jacobs on Vimeo.