Finally, Scientific Proof That Nickelback is for Dolts

That's right, folks.

It's been a long time coming — years spent arguing with sad, mulletted chaps named Buck or Earl, years of feeling like I waved the flag of Nickelback-suck-dom alone in a storm of shitty music — but finally, there is scientific proof to back up my claims.

Recently, a former computer hacker named Virgil Griffith compiled a comparison of college students' SAT scores versus favorite bands to find a correlation. He did so by amassing favorite bands on the Facebook accounts of students at various colleges, as well as the average SAT score at said college (Confused? Well, that's why he goes to CalTech.) And guess what? He found one!

You can check out the full and readable chart here.

Before you scoff at the notion that you, Nickelback (or Breaking Benjamin, or The Used. Ha!) lover may actually like your music because you are, in fact, dumber than most high school graduates, let me assure you that our fine Mr. Virgil Griffith is no pimpled-basement hacker.

The dude's been written up by The New York Times and - get this! - has his own Wikipedia page. And we all know that Wikipedia is today's measure of authenticity and worth.

Nonetheless, according to Griffith's findings, there is a strong correlation between preferred bands and SAT scores, and the results are staggering.

The artist who generated fans with the lowest SAT scores was, almost amazingly, Lil Wayne. Who would've thought that Weezy's often-loopy rhyme schemes would appeal most to morons — the average SAT score of a Lil Wayne devotee was in the 870's (Scores apply to old SAT format, with 1600 max score). Shoulda laid off the herb and opened a book.

Also in the low end were T.I, Beyonce and, laughably, the entire genre of Reggaeton.

Maybe my favorite low-ender is the genre of gospel. Paired with this scientific finding, really makes you think about the mental capacity of gospel-loving religious nuts. Jesus is great, sure, but totally digging music devoted to him means you probably wouldn't get into community college. That just may explain why the guys who hand you those pamphlets on the sidewalk don't ever seem to, well, have jobs.

Jam bands had a fantastic high showing, with both Phish and the Grateful Dead placing among the favorites of students with top-third SAT scores. So scratch the pot comment above. Shoulda laid off the syrup instead?

The highest-placing contemporary artist was Sufjan Stevens (no surprise there), and far and away the highest musician overall was Beethoven, a full 100 points above Stevens.

So what does it all mean? Well, it certainly doesn't mean that by listening to Beethoven you'll get smarter. If anything, it means that people who are already smart naturally flock to certain music, and people who are already dumb naturally do the same.

It's a scary thought. Especially if you're into Nickelback. But in that case, you were damned already.